Wednesday, April 30, 2008

RED ALERT!! Humans found to miraculously become plants!

It's been far too long since the last post, so I thought it would be a good time to vent once again.

I can not believe that I just had another patient that was over 100 pounds overweight who said: "I really don't eat anything; I have no idea why I am gaining weight these days."

Well, as I prepare to teach my adult school class tonight at the Adult School of Chatham, Madison and Florham Park, I know that I will re-visit this subject of human photosynthesis.

Yes, Mrs. Plant, it is possible to gain weight without eating. As a matter of fact, once you read my new book, Dr. Phil's Quick Way to Becoming a Plant and Photosynthesising, you, too will learn the secrets of turning carbon dioxide, sunlight, water, and minerals into sugar! That's right! You will NEVER need to actually eat again! Just drink some water, stand in the soil in the sunlight, and, presto! Your making your own internal food!

As a matter of fact....if it rains enough, and you get enough sunshine, you will be producing enough of your own food that you will start to gain more and more weight....ALL WITHOUT EATING A THING!

That's right, folks, once you've mastered Dr. Phil's technique of becoming a plant, you'll soon be overweight and never have to open your mouth...

Here's just a few advantages to being a plant:

1. NO EXERCISING-EVER! That's right! Now that you are a plant, you have roots and can't move, so there's no need to do that bothersome aerobics or yoga.

2. NO HUMAN DISEASE! That's true, too! Forget colds & flu, stomach upset, or erectile dysfunction....just look out for those aphids and spider mites...YEECGHH!

3. SAVE ON GAS! Yes-since you can't move anyway, there's no need for a car-as a matter of fact, there's no need for money, so...

4. NO MORE WORK! That's right! Your contributing to the ecosystem and Universe so well as a plant, that all you need do is photosynthesize, and you actually PRODUCE oxygen!

Hooray for you, Mrs. Plant!


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